For quite sometime, after so many moments arguing with him and crying and feeling so much pain///strain inside my chest. Somehow I manage to allow him to take control of me once again.

Yet again, he waited till it was midnight when everyone at my house were fast asleep. He requested for me to do the usual; strip on cam and do terrible things to myself that feels so awful.

He requested once more, he wanted me to do it again…he wanted me to piss in a cup and drink my urine again. I became nauseous, I hate him. I hate him so much. I feel so much hurt typing this, but I really need to relieve this pent up stress- I HATE him. He wanted me to drink my urine again…I dislike myself so much because I did it.

I pissed in a cup. I filled the cup….. and this time, I wasn’t brave…I manage to gulp down half of the urine; I wanted to vomit so much, I did end up gagging, I spat up the urine on my bed. I felt dirty. I felt terrible. I felt like a complete, utter disappointment to humanity. 

He was upset. He frowned at me, I can remember him giving me the most disappointed look ever. He then sighed; he called me a whore, he called me a uncaring whore. He told me that I truly don’t love him.

He went offline.

I end up sitting there on my bed, naked and feeling cold; I felt like a slut. I was covered with my own urine and the person that I loved so much was hurt because of me.

After the incident with drinking my own urine for him, the day afterwards was terrible.

I went to school with an awful stomach ache, I wanted to gag, I could still taste urine in my mouth.

Throughout the day I can’t stop thinking about him (my now ex) and I can’t stop thinking about his ex-girlfriend, I can’t stop worrying about the irrelevant things like, “she’s not prettier than me is she?? I have to check her photos again!”

I was too blinded by jealousy to realize the bigger issue was that I was still dating him. I’ve spent many days (months even) using the schools computer whenever I can, just to check her facebook and myspace photos.

I would become obsessed and create fake accounts to add her, to look through her tagged photos.

I even save her pictures just to stand in front of the mirror and pose the same way she does, just to see who looks better.

I was stupid, foolish, naive, and most of all: delusional

With my now ex, we’ve been breaking up plenty of times, on and off. The one that initiated the break ups were always him. Each time I was naive and believed it. I cried and gave in. Grovel begged and apologized.

At this point in time he revealed himself to be a very disgusting person. He has a fetish for scat pornography. He demand for me to get on webcam and perform the act for him. I refused to.

When I refused he got upset, he guilt tripped me, saying that I could never make him happy, he pressured me to urinate into a cup and drink my own urine. I was so upset at this point, I wanted to cry, in fact I did cry. I cried. He continue to ask me, “I thought you loved me? you’re the first girl I’ve ever been with too…you mean alot to me, I wish you cared and loved me enough to do this…”

I took a deep breath, I did it. I did what he wanted. I took the cupful of urine, I held my breathe and I drank it, I drank it quick, I kept thinking in my head, “this is just lemonade, I’m only drinking lemonade, its nothing. its nothing unusual”

I manage to drink the entire cup of piss. I wanted to gag, I wanted to throw up on the spot, but I held it down.

The things that I will do for love. At this point I lost everything. I became delusional. I have no respect for myself. I was a pit of waste, inside and out.

He cheated on me. With that girl Alethea. I found out from Friend#A. I confronted him and he got mad. He screamed at me through the phone, he told me I was a failure. It was my fault. ..

He blamed it on me. He called me a whore. Everything awful. This went on for a month and he demanded an apology. Of course I apologize..yet again.

He blamed it on me, he said my breasts weren’t big enough so he felt disinterested. He told me I should start drinking beer so I can have bigger breasts. So I did. I spent 2 weeks trying it but the only thing happened was a beer belly. Afterwards I resorted to buying breast supplements. I wasted 300 dollars resupplying myself with breast pills…they did help a tiny bit, but it was a waste of money. My chest was never going to make him happy.

I hated myself.

After the discovery of Alethea’s photos I begin to notice the abstinence of my “boyfriend” being online.

Long story short, I found out he was hanging out with a Japanese exchange student. He told me he held hands with her, he told me she is extremely cute.

He later on told me that he is upset that she already has a boyfriend.

I was upset. I was delusional at this point- filled with so much jealousy that I end up asking him if she’s “prettier than me”.

He told me its mutual.

We got into an argument after this, he did the usual, called me a slut, a dumb mother fucker, he then told me he is dumping me. He went offline. I cried. I took my laptop and rest it next to me in bed, I just lie there and waited for him to come back online so I can yet again, apologize.

I confronted him about this girl he used to date. I asked him if she’s really that gorgeous. He replied to me, “I still hang out with her,…yes she is, she have the biggest breasts as well *sigh* its a shame we broke up”

I was horrified at this response. I immediately checked on MySpace (which was the big thing at this time.) to look for photos of this girl.

After a quick look at his friends list, I was able to view her photos. All of her photos were taken with a webcam, it was gritty, and in my head I became someone so sinister, so awful…I was jealous. I became rude. I became wreckless.

I went through her photos, I kept thinking to myself, “shes just fat though isn’t she? she’s fat. That’s why she have big breasts, shes not pretty is she? but…he told me she is and friend#A thought so too! she’s nothing special though? Do all Hispanics look like her?”

I became a jealous devil. I was jealous and racist and blinded. I begin hating this girl, I hated her and anyone else who looked like her.

Eventually he became disinterested in the guy from school

Days passed, during these days I must remind you, reader, that he demands for me to “webcam” with him…I would be eating and minding my own business and he’ll demand it on the spot. I was so foolishly in love with him. He told me over and over again, “this is evidence you dont love me! If you loved me you would do this!! dont you love me??”

I always, always fall for it. I was never happy when I did things that he requested from me. I wasn’t happy. These webcamming sessions would last up to 3 hours. All I could think in my head was, “If I dont do this, he will leave me…and this will make him happy, and when this is all done he’ll tell me that he loves me”

As these days passed with these dirty deeds being done, I had a conversation with his friend online. Friend #A (I will refer to his friend as this) told me of a particular girl, hispanic but looks caucasion, named Alethea. Friend #A bragged to me about how beautiful she was, how much of a goddess she is…then eventually Friend A# told me that my “boyfriend” use to date her. Friend #A told me that he’s very envious that such a man got the opportunity to do so.

I became jealous.

Almost everyday for these 5 years my ex abused me, verbally/emotionally/mentally. It’s hard for me to type all of this because people might think it is truly all my fault that I allow for someone miles and miles away to control me…It’s true. It’s my fault. But I was naive, it was my first love, first time actually thinking that someone cares about me.

He would brag to me about how he is bisexual and is interested in a guy at school…I didn’t think he meant any harm by saying he’s “interested” I allow it to slip by me when it should’ve been a red flag.

He will spend his time with this particular guy and always talk about him to me, while I just sit and read everything. I should’ve known better.

During my 5 year relationship, he manipulated me. Although it was online, the pain was so bad…

He’ll tell me, “if you loved me…” alot, to get his way.

He’ll always force me into cybering with him, webcamming with him…it was disgusting. I only wanted sweet talks and happy warm feelings, I never wanted to sit on my bed and do those things for him until he is satisfied with himself.

There will be times when I don’t do something right and he’ll cancel the webcam and call me a whore, a slut, a failure….then signed right off. I’ll cry for the entire night and spend till 5 in the morning on a weekday of school just to wait for him to come back online so I can apologize.

We met on an online forum. At that point in life I had a haircut that was very short. I pretend to be a boy when he met me and I kept it a secret from him.

We dated for 5 years online. We never met in real life. We never touched, or kissed.

He was aggressive when we started dating online.

Although people may laugh at this and say online relationships aren’t  “real relationships” the feelings I had for him was very real. I thought I was in love with him. Considering the fact that I was naive and never had anyone express “care” for me, I really thought he loved me.

that was until I confessed to him that I was actually a girl. He was extremely pissed at first but then he grew to accept it.

After awhile he manipulated me.